Live Through This

So 2012 Is Done and Has Been For…3 Days?

2012…All I have to say about the year was that it was extremely hard, but I am extremely thankful that I lived through it. I have learned so much about myself, and I am really hopeful for the future. The second half of the year was by far the toughest part of the year for me, and at times I didn’t know whether or not I was as strong as I said or thought I was. But I will say that as I reflect over this year’s troubles and everything that has occurred, I realize that my main problem is that I want to do all that I can for people until I realize that those people are undeserving of these things. I think this is attached to my need or want to be well-liked or have friends. I don’t need that. I would rather have very few tight or good friends over a lot of friends who take advantage of me. Another thing I realized is that while I am not sure about many things in my life, I am sure that I want to be a writer, I love my family and friends, and I love my boyfriend/fiance. I am excited for all that 2013 brings, and I hope that my relocation will help with my better attitude. As for resolutions, haha I had to. I do it every year it seems like. 

1. Read everyday.

2. Write everyday and submit for publishing. 

3. Workout 4 to 5 times a week. 

4. Actually complete the 5k on March 16th. 

5. Build a stronger relationship with God. 

6. Maintain friendships and/or make them stronger. 

7. Have a stronger relationship with my fiance. 

8. Build stronger family relationships. 

9. Laugh more.

10. Save A LOT more in order to get my first apartment or townhouse. 

11. Last, but certainly not least; Graduate. 

Been Awhile

Since my last blog. 

Everything is going okay. Christmas is here! Merry Christmas. I’m off work, but I have to work tomorrow. I’m grateful for this last day of work. 

Things got kinda rocky in the love department, but as of right now everything is great.

As this year comes to the end, I am grateful for the great people in my life who have stood by me through the rough times. I passed all of my classes. I may have gotten my first C, but that’s okay. Money is tight right now, but I know a way will be made. 

I kinda know where I wanna go in life. I know that I am obsessed with the idea of having a high paying job, but happiness also counts. 

So…with that said, I’m shooting for the top. I’m going to do whatever it takes for me and my family and loved ones are taken care of. That means weeding and cutting out those who have screwed me or treated me like shit. They are already in my rearview, behind me, but I have my eye on them. 

See ya soon for the NYE resolution blog. 

Yep

This week has been hell, but it has turned around. I might be speaking to soon, but it’s almost done and then finals. Oh, finals. I hate you, but I’m so ready for you. My friends have been so awesome to me. I have an earache, but I’m still chugging along. In other news, I miss my boyfriend, and I would love some more dip. 

Refuge

This blog, as well as my awesome and amazing friends have been a true refuge for me this semester. I sit in this room, that is far from being my own place, and realize that I have survived. It’s not over, and I have two weeks left. (Believe me, I’m keeping track). I am ready for the end, and I normally would say I’m not turning back, BUT this time I have two people to turn back for. They know who they are. I have truly made it. I am ready to do something that I had planned on doing a while back. There is no turning back on this one though. I am trying to ensure that I can finish. I have prayed on this, and I feel good with this decision. YET I keep hoping that I have made the right decision. I truly, really, absolutely hope so. 

RAGE

I have all of the rage!

and I can’t lose it! 

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKK

That Sick Feeling

that you get when you have to go somewhere that you don’t want to.

That sick feeling that settles in the pit of my stomach when I realize that I have to go sleep in a room with an extremely selfish person. 

That sick feeling that starts to define that person, and when the name of said person or said person is thought of, you instantly start to feel sick.

That sick feeling that is so insurmountable that you wonder if it’s you who is the reason behind this ill will. 

BUT 

when you’ve tried your hardest and things STILL have not changed. There is something wrong. Deeply wrong, and I wonder how this may be when I have given my all. 

BUT 

you can’t change anyone, and it is up to that person to change. I am over it. It is done. I can not remain here.

This is the end. 

1 week 2 days.

til Thanksgiving Break

3 weeks 

til Christmas Break

I am ready. Please hurry.

I’m Tired

of sitting in this room with an obnoxious, smacking person who is rude and ungrateful. 

This weekend will be the last time I reach out. 

I am tired of feeling unappreciated. I’m hoping my prayers are answered tomorrow. 

One more day till a short and hopefully fun-filled weekend. and Two weeks and two days till Thanksgiving break. 

and then three till Christmas. 

God help me. 

Strength

God grant me the strength to make it through this weekend and remainder of the week. I honestly have never wanted to give up as much as I want to do now. I sit here and I wonder why I ever came back, and it’s because I wanted to finish. Should I had went to the other school? Or stayed where I was at? Or return to the past? This has become an easy question in hindsight, but if I had waited and weighed my options, maybe I could’ve made the right decisions…or maybe this is the right decision. I have no idea of knowing that now. Either way it goes, I need to be a lone, and I need to be not here, and I really don’t need these looming deadlines for things I don’t want to right over my head. When people said there was no step by step guide, I thought I understood, but now when the future lies ahead of me, unyielding and monstrous, I am reminded of my past pessimism  and I wonder where did this optimistic outlook come from to allow this disappointment to come in and hurt me. 

Enough of that, time for me to forge on, with my sails back, moving toward some large abstraction that even I, with all my planning and almost completed degree, can not fathom. 

So…

I want to apologize to my followers for the overflow of insanity that has come from my blog, but I want you to know that it still hasn’t gotten better. I have decided that next semester I will be staying off campus and at home, and I will be commuting to school. I refuse to stay in a room and further deteriorate a relationship that is possibly ruined and will continue that way. I am now just faking it till I make it, and the only time I am free is when I am not around that person. So, with that being said, my blog will probably not have any happy statements for awhile unless I am around individuals such as my awesome friends, family, and/or boyfriend. I hate my hometown, but at least there I can be alone. I can go and be. ALONE. that is all. 

please don’t unfollow. this is the end of this rant and rave. thank you tumblrverse. 

now to do homework until my eyeballs bleeeeeeeed.

Is It The End Yet?

Here we go. Another “I hate school” blog.

Which I do. So I write them. This semester the days drag by slowly. I really only like one of my classes. Go fucking figure. It’s the fiction one. I hate staying on campus. Go fucking figure. I wish I was alone a good portion of the time. I hate trying to be outgoing and open because people piss and walk all over that. I hate the bitchiness that I get, and I hate how bad I feel when I’m rude back. I just want to hang with my GREAT friends, my awesome boyfriend and write and read all damn day. I need a good cry which makes no sense since I just got off my period. Whattt THHHEEE FUCKK?!? I just want to be completely done with school, and get my own place and be farrrr away from these people. GOD HELP ME, PLEASE. 

I’m ready for Denton. Please don’t be an absolute shit storm like this place is. PLEASE.

Here’s to maybe, possibly, hopefully, commuting next semester!