Live Through This

1:36AM

Fri, 12 Apr 2013 02:38:35 -0400

ANGRY. PISSED. EXHAUSTED.

feeling like it’s all slipping away.

and I want to catch it.

I need help.

Tired of Everything.

Mon, 25 Mar 2013 14:28:28 -0400

no one appreciates anything i do.

I need to dip off the grid for awhile.

a long while.

Shit.

Tue, 19 Feb 2013 21:43:27 -0500

has hit the fan. I’m tired. fuck it. fuck. fuck. it all.

The Wall

Sat, 09 Feb 2013 22:01:45 -0500

Today was a great day. I hung out with friends, made it safely to and from the destination. I was brimming with happiness.

But now I sit here and I have to face my problems, and I have realized that no matter how far I go, they will always be there. I have realized that what I thought I needed is ruining me. I know longer know where I’m headed. I’m tired. I know when I’m being lied to. Perceptible. Now this also makes me very stupid because I knew and I knew, but yet here I sit. I know what I have to do. So if this is the last word you hear from me in a while, don’t worry. This is not a suicidal manifesto. This is the manifesto of an anxious, depressed young woman who currently only wants to listen to Pink Floyd and escape reality. If only for a little while. I’ll be back eventually.

To Spring 2013 and Summer 2013(My last semester hopefully)

Sun, 13 Jan 2013 14:06:07 -0500

I will destroy you.

Sincerely,

A surviving English student.

A Rock, A Struggle, Synonymous

Wed, 09 Jan 2013 01:05:22 -0500

2013.

You have already hit a snag, and I’m hoping that there is a point of some return here. I really hope so. I really really hope so.

PLEASE.

So 2012 Is Done and Has Been For...3 Days?

Thu, 03 Jan 2013 16:22:00 -0500

2012…All I have to say about the year was that it was extremely hard, but I am extremely thankful that I lived through it. I have learned so much about myself, and I am really hopeful for the future. The second half of the year was by far the toughest part of the year for me, and at times I didn’t know whether or not I was as strong as I said or thought I was. But I will say that as I reflect over this year’s troubles and everything that has occurred, I realize that my main problem is that I want to do all that I can for people until I realize that those people are undeserving of these things. I think this is attached to my need or want to be well-liked or have friends. I don’t need that. I would rather have very few tight or good friends over a lot of friends who take advantage of me. Another thing I realized is that while I am not sure about many things in my life, I am sure that I want to be a writer, I love my family and friends, and I love my boyfriend/fiance. I am excited for all that 2013 brings, and I hope that my relocation will help with my better attitude. As for resolutions, haha I had to. I do it every year it seems like.

1. Read everyday.

2. Write everyday and submit for publishing.

3. Workout 4 to 5 times a week.

4. Actually complete the 5k on March 16th.

5. Build a stronger relationship with God.

6. Maintain friendships and/or make them stronger.

7. Have a stronger relationship with my fiance.

8. Build stronger family relationships.

9. Laugh more.

10. Save A LOT more in order to get my first apartment or townhouse.

11. Last, but certainly not least; Graduate.

Been Awhile

Tue, 25 Dec 2012 17:14:31 -0500

Since my last blog.

Everything is going okay. Christmas is here! Merry Christmas. I’m off work, but I have to work tomorrow. I’m grateful for this last day of work.

Things got kinda rocky in the love department, but as of right now everything is great.

As this year comes to the end, I am grateful for the great people in my life who have stood by me through the rough times. I passed all of my classes. I may have gotten my first C, but that’s okay. Money is tight right now, but I know a way will be made.

I kinda know where I wanna go in life. I know that I am obsessed with the idea of having a high paying job, but happiness also counts.

So…with that said, I’m shooting for the top. I’m going to do whatever it takes for me and my family and loved ones are taken care of. That means weeding and cutting out those who have screwed me or treated me like shit. They are already in my rearview, behind me, but I have my eye on them.

See ya soon for the NYE resolution blog.

CRAZYYY NEWS AND GREAT NEWSSS

Tue, 18 Dec 2012 18:16:29 -0500

Got some crazy shit out there. So now it’s off my chest.

I’m so ready for all of my grades, so I can send the transcript.

My great best friend is coming down on Thursday. Ready to hang out. It’s been less than a week and I miss her.

I work tomorrow, and I don’t want to.

BUT I GOTTA MAKE MY DAMN MONEY.

This has been my news.

Signing off

Yep

Fri, 07 Dec 2012 00:30:20 -0500

This week has been hell, but it has turned around. I might be speaking to soon, but it’s almost done and then finals. Oh, finals. I hate you, but I’m so ready for you. My friends have been so awesome to me. I have an earache, but I’m still chugging along. In other news, I miss my boyfriend, and I would love some more dip.

Hmmmm..Something's Fishy

Tue, 04 Dec 2012 16:59:00 -0500

You talk about me via Twitter.

YET

you still use MY tv? Get out of here. Literally, GET OUT.

God Help Me.

Refuge

Sat, 01 Dec 2012 22:35:00 -0500

This blog, as well as my awesome and amazing friends have been a true refuge for me this semester. I sit in this room, that is far from being my own place, and realize that I have survived. It’s not over, and I have two weeks left. (Believe me, I’m keeping track). I am ready for the end, and I normally would say I’m not turning back, BUT this time I have two people to turn back for. They know who they are. I have truly made it. I am ready to do something that I had planned on doing a while back. There is no turning back on this one though. I am trying to ensure that I can finish. I have prayed on this, and I feel good with this decision. YET I keep hoping that I have made the right decision. I truly, really, absolutely hope so.

One

Mon, 19 Nov 2012 02:07:20 -0500

Damn Day Left.

ONE DAMN DAY LEFT.

then Thanksgiving Break will be here.

SO STOKED. FUCK YES!

Clarity, Signs, and Thankfulness

Sat, 17 Nov 2012 13:34:13 -0500

First, I’d like to say there are only 2 more days till I can leave for Thanksgiving Break, and I am beyond excited.

So yesterday, I received one of two emails I have been waiting for. This email turned out to be the email from another school that I was looking into attending if things did not work out here. The second email that I was looking for, but did NOT receive, was from the school’s resident life. I was applying for a position as a CA, and I was actually getting excited about becoming one. BUT I think I turned the application in too late, therefore I knew after a week of waiting, it wasn’t going to happen.

Now back to the email I did receive.

They told me that I needed only two classes. One of which I knew I needed and an American Lit class with a professor I have taken before. They accepted most of my credits and the ones they didn’t they used as electives. To top it off, all of my classes fall on Tuesday/ Thursday which is great for me. I have prayed for God to give me a sign as to what he wants me to do, and this is it. I am extremely thankful. I think this is where I’m supposed to be headed.

This semester has been hard. Just glance through my previous posts. Thanksgiving is a nice welcomed break, but Christmas is my silver lining.

All of my friends, and they know who they are, have been my rock and they have listened to me talk no matter how annoying I have been. I hope that I was as great of a listener as they all are. I don’t want to lose touch and I’m hoping I can come down to visit as much as possible. I love you all.

To my family, mainly my mom and aunts and baby cousins. Thank you for listening to me as well and giving me great advice. My mom who is strong for me when I can’t be. My aunt a for being a second mom to me, and my aunt v for sending me inspiring messages and pictures. My baby cousins are amazing, and though they didn’t do much lol They did make me laugh a lot. I love them so much.

Last, but definitely not least, my boyfriend/fiance who has given me amazing beads of wisdom, and who constantly believed in me and is proud of me. Who stood beside me when I had crazy freak outs and still said I was his true love and that he loved me. I love you, and I can’t wait to see how many adventures we go on in life.

I am so grateful and thankful for everyone in my life who have been great and amazing. This semester has been hard, and it’s not over. BUT I have faith that things will go good.

Keep the Faith xo.

RAGE

Tue, 13 Nov 2012 19:16:56 -0500

I have all of the rage!

and I can’t lose it!

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKK

That Sick Feeling

Fri, 09 Nov 2012 16:15:59 -0500

that you get when you have to go somewhere that you don’t want to.

That sick feeling that settles in the pit of my stomach when I realize that I have to go sleep in a room with an extremely selfish person.

That sick feeling that starts to define that person, and when the name of said person or said person is thought of, you instantly start to feel sick.

That sick feeling that is so insurmountable that you wonder if it’s you who is the reason behind this ill will.

BUT

when you’ve tried your hardest and things STILL have not changed. There is something wrong. Deeply wrong, and I wonder how this may be when I have given my all.

BUT

you can’t change anyone, and it is up to that person to change. I am over it. It is done. I can not remain here.

This is the end.

1 week 2 days.

til Thanksgiving Break

3 weeks

til Christmas Break

I am ready. Please hurry.

6 weeks

Sun, 04 Nov 2012 23:00:07 -0500

left.

I am read for the last week to be here.

Bring on the papers and rest of it.

I just want to be done.

That is all.

Dear God,

Thu, 01 Nov 2012 20:28:19 -0400

Please help me.

Give me the patience to survive these next six weeks. Give me the strength to not kill someone, and to become a stronger individual. I feel like I am fading, and there’s no end in sight. tomorrow is friday, and I still feel no relief. This is becoming more and more like freshman year, and I REFUSE to stay in a situation like this. I REFUSE.

I'm Tired

Thu, 01 Nov 2012 01:44:43 -0400

of sitting in this room with an obnoxious, smacking person who is rude and ungrateful.

This weekend will be the last time I reach out.

I am tired of feeling unappreciated. I’m hoping my prayers are answered tomorrow.

One more day till a short and hopefully fun-filled weekend. and Two weeks and two days till Thanksgiving break.

and then three till Christmas.

God help me.

Here I Am.

Sun, 21 Oct 2012 14:04:28 -0400

Sitting on my couch. Wishing it was Friday again, and that I wasn’t about to leave.

I am so close to the end, but it’s not close enough.

I’m going back into an environment that I loathe, and I just want to have my own thing going.

Well, I’m going to be strong. I’m going to finish this semester no matter what. Hopefully there’s going to be an out next semester.

Here’s hoping for the best.

PS. I’m pretty much in love with the best person ever. He knows how to calm me down, and he doesn’t blow up either. Yep. He’s awesome.

And so are my great friends who listen to all of my crap.